The New Mystery Science Theater 3000 Episode 1
by Hewylewis
Summary: Fifty years have passed since Mike Nelson escaped the SOL, now a new host emerges to stop a new villain from taking over the world, by watching crappy movies. Today's movie, Troll 2. Finished! Please Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Doctor Otto is a character created by the late, great Jim Varney. Enjoy.**

The year was 3050. The Satellite Of Love drifts lifelessly through space. Inside the ship, it's dusty and barren. The robots, Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow were frozen in ice chambers.

Somewhere in an unknown part of the SOL, was another ice chamber, containing an eighteen year old boy dressed in a dark green jump suit. His name was Logan Ridenbaugh, and he was one of the first crew members to go up in the SOL's launch.

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Meanwhile, in his lab on Earth, an evil being known as Dr. Otto Von Schnickickits watches the SOL, with a look of discontent. He was dressed in a large dark cloak and cape, with a large silver collar around his neck. The strangest thing about him was that a hand was growing out of the top of his head. The fingers twitched around in his black hair. "Alright SAMUEL, wake up my new little guinea pig." he said, in an eerie voice.

"Your the boss, ya freak," a voice on the income system said.

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A few beeps were heard on the chamber and a flashing was seen over the sign that read 'THAW'. The chamber opened up and smoke poured out.

Logan sat up, stretched and yawned. "Woo, its cold!" he said, holding himself to keep warm.

"Careful dude, don't move around too fast." the voice said. "Your brain might still be partial frozen. We lost three others that way."

Logan looked around, franticly. "Who said that? Joel Robinson?"

"Actually, he survived." the voice said. "I'm talking about the others we besides him and you."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Survived?" He then shook off the thought. "Who are you? Why can't I see you?"

"That's because I'm just a computer program." he said. "I'm the Super Automated Movie Usher and Entertainment Liaison. SAMUEL for short. And-"

"Greetings, specimen!!" Dr. Otto said as he suddenly appeared on a screen before Logan.

SAMUEL sighed. "That's Dr. Otto."

Logan jumped back in surprise and fell out of the chamber. "Whoa!" he cried. He then stood up and scratched his head in confusion. "Wait...Doctor Otto? Where's Doctor Forrester, or TV's Frank?"

"They're dead, that's what happened," Dr. Otto said. "I killed them."

"No, you didn't." SAMUEL said.

"Oh, there you go. Spoiling my fun again!"

Logan stared at Otto's head hand. "Uh... did you know you have a uh...is that a hand sticking out of your head?"

"Do you like it?" Dr. Otto asked. As he did the fingers started to twitch and move. "I just filed my nails this morning."

"I don't." SAMUEL said.

Logan shuddered. "Look I need to contact Gizmonic Institute so I know what's goin' on, k?"

"Oh, Gizmonic no longer exists." Dr. Otto said. "You gonna be part of _my_ research now."

"What research? Joel is supposed to be doin' the research, where is he?"

"Well," said SAMUEL. "He escaped a while back. Then he was replaced by Mike Nelson. Then Forrester died and his mother, Pearl took over. Then Mike escaped after watching one of the movies and the SOL has been inactive since."

"Now you are going to do is watch a few movies for me," said Otto. "Doesn't that sound awful?" Suddenly, Doctor Otto disappeared from the screen.

"I don't have time for this," Logan said sternly. "How long have I been frozen?"

"I don't know, about fifty years or something like that." SAMUEL said.

"WHAT?!?! I'VE BEEN FLOATING AROUND IN THIS METAL BONE FOR FIFTY YEARS?!?!"

"Yeah, that sounds about right. But hey, don't worry. You got me."

"So, Gizmonic Institute is gone, along with Forrester? Well…he was a jerk."

"Yeah, I remember reading his files. They're mostly covered with doodles of butterflies with automatic weapons."

"That's Forrester for ya. A real goof ball. Now I have to deal with this nut case!"

"You think that's bad, try being programmed by him. He touched me in areas that I'm ashamed to talk about! Ugh!"

Logan checked around the ship, looking through drawers, closets, computers and came to a conclusion. "Hey, why are most of the parts on this ship missing?"

"They went into those guys." SAMUEL said as a light pointed to four other chambers containing three small robots and one large one.

"Robots? The parts that turn off the movies were ripped out just to make these guys? What was Joel thinking?"

"I don't think he was." SAMUEL said.

Logan sighed. "Well at least I wont be lonely. SAMUEL, activate the thawing process."

"You got it."

The thawing sequence could be heard over the four other chambers. The chambers opened up and out popped four little robots.  
**  
THEME SONG TIME!**  
**  
Chorus:**In the not too distant future  
somewhere in space up above  
Logan Ridenbaugh was there, frozen  
in the Satellite Of Love  
Then suddenly he was thawed out  
and was amazed at what he'd seen  
Now he has to put up with Doctor Otto  
and put a stop to his mind numbination scheme

**Doctor Otto:** Wahahahahahaha!  
I'll send him cheesy movies,  
The worst I can find (la-la-la).  
He'll have to sit and watch them all,  
And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).

**Chorus: **Now keep in mind Logan can't control  
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)  
He'll try to keep his sanity  
With the help of his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call:

Cambot! (Action!)  
Gypsy! (Oh, my stars!)  
Tom Servo! (Whoo it's cold!)  
Croooow! (I'm free!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes  
and other science facts (la-la-la),  
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,  
I should really just relax..."  
for Mystery Science Theater 3000!


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay, so let me introduce you to the gang," said SAMUEL. "We have Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow."

"Okay." said Logan. He then approached the bots "Greetings."

"Hey, how's it going?" Gypsy asked.

"You touched me in bad place." Tom said, jokingly.

"You don't have one of those places."

"I bet you're wondering why Mike isn't here." said Logan. "Well he escaped... fifty years ago."

"Yeah, we remember." Crow said.

"Ernest Borgnine is enough to make anyone flee in terror." Tom said.

"Wait, did you say fifty years!?" asked Crow, in a panicked voice.

"Yup," Logan replied. "But don't worry. I'm Logan, I'll be the new officer of the SOL."

"Well Logan, there's one thing you should know." Gypsy said. "Don't touch Tom Servo's underpants collection."

"I have everything from boxers to fig leaves in there in chronological order." Tom said in all seriousness

"Where's all the gum?" Logan said looking at servo's head.

"Crow ate it all." Tom said.

"And swallowed." Crow said. "I messed myself up internally, but I was the one who won the twenty dollars."

Logan lowered his eyebrows. "Very funny. Listen guys, here's what's happened. I was thawed out, it's been fifty years, so Mike and Joel are either dead or old, Pearl is gone, and now we have to deal with this weirdo named Doctor Otto."

"Who's that?" Crow asked.

"GREETINGS AGAIN!!!!" Dr. Otto shouted on the screen. "Sorry I left, my mutant ferrets needed to be walked. They mauled an old lady. HA!!!"

"That's Otto." said Logan, looking embarrassed.

"Wow, what a freak!" Crow said.

"Yeah, and his head looks like someone is feeling him up," said Tom.

"Now enough Philosophy, let the experiment begin!" Dr. Otto pulled out a movie reel and held it up. "The piece of cinematic trash I hold here is known for being so bad, it's good."

"Wait, wait, slow down," interrupted Logan. "I just got thawed out here!"

"Aww, too bad!" Dr. Otto said. "You'll watch it NOW!!"

Logan raised a brow and crossed his arms. "And what if I refuse?"

"That's it! Ferret time!" Dr. Otto yelled. He slammed down on a large red button and suddenly, a dozen little brown mutant ferrets appeared and started to bite everyone.

The robots screamed as the flayed around and cried out in pain. "Do something!" shouted Tom. "Before they get into my underpants collection, those moldy old boxers will be valuable someday!!"

Logan stood up on the table. "Back, back!!" he cried as he swatted a shoe at the mutant rodents. "Call off your ferrets!!"

"Not until you agree to watch my movie and suffer!" Dr. Otto.

"Just do what he says," SAMUEL said.

"Okay, okay!" Logan shouted. Soon, the ferrets stopped biting them and dissapeared.

"Man," said Crow. "What a Dick Weed!"

Logan sighed. "Watching movies sounds fun anyway."

"Fun?" asked Dr. Otto. "Fun? Oh no, my little guinea pigs. This movie is an old science fiction movie from 1990, and it stinks like yesterday's dirty diapers!!"

"What? Why show me a bad movie?"

"He thinks if you watch enough of them you'll go mad." Crow said. "That's what Forrester tried to do to Joel, and what Pearl tried to do to Mike."

"And then, I'll show them to an unsuspecting public," said Otto, looking rather evil. "And when they're all drained of their sanity, I'LL RULE THE WORLD!!!" WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"Yeah, you see why I don't want to work with this guy." SAMUEL said. "Okay, he might come back with those ferrets so you better get you butts into that theater."

"Okay, okay," Logan said. "Bossy."

"Now with that being said, maybe we should get you ready." SAMUEL said. "What he chose to start you off with is something called Troll 2, and let me tell you, it is just awful."

Logan smirked. "Can't be that bad."

"Oh, but it is," said Otto. "It made many of my old minions go mad and foam at the mouth. It was very fun to watch them do so. Now...enjoy."

A red flashing light filled the room with a blazing siren. "Oh, we got movie sign!" Crow yelled.

"Hey wait up!!" cried Logan as he chased after Tom and Crow.

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Soon, they arrived in the theater. The screen was still black and the seats were covered in cobwebs. "Hey, why isn't the movie on?" asked Logan. "And... Eww! This place is filthy."

"Hang on, hang on," SAMUEL said. "Hey Cambot! Get you nonexistent ass in here so we can start. Sorry about the seats."

"Fifty years sure do a lot of things to places." Suddenly a light shoots down and SAMUEL appeared as a hologram of an old fashioned movie usher. "Whoa!"

"Hey what's up." SAMUEL said. "So anyway, I programmed this hologram form for myself."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "An old fashioned movie usher?"

"Yeah, I am in charge of this theater, so why not?"

"Hey, it's new to me too." Tom said.

"Wait, I thought Cambot was in charge." Crow said.

"Oh, I work with him now." SAMUEL replied

"Isn't gypsy watching with us?" asked Logan.

"She never watches these movies." Crow said. "Yeah, I think she's too smart for it."

Logan brushed the dust of his seat and sits down. "I think I'll regret doin' this."

"You talk about it as if you had a choice." SAMUEL said with a grin. "Enjoy."

Then, Cambot flew up to the projector's booth, and began to roll the film, Troll 2.


	3. Chapter 3

Thirty minutes later, Logan, Tom, and Crow exited the theater to take a little break from watching Troll 2. "Boy, let me tell you something," said Crow. "Half an hour of that movie is like colon hydrotherapy!"

Logan rubbed his eyes. "Yeah," he said. "My eyes feel like they've been pressed in by my own thumbs."

"And what about the idea of that green stuff that turns people into vegetables?" Tom asked. "I mean really!"

Just then, Gypsy came in with a plate of green food. "Hey guys, look what Dr. Otto sent us," she said as she placed the plate on the table.

Logan raised an eyebrow at the strange green goop that was sitting on the plate. "Oh. Um...what is it?"' he asked.

"Well it's obvious!" said Tom, inspecting the substance. "That's a baby's puke colored peace offering of...is that corn?"

"It kinda looks like that green goop from the movie we're watching. You know, the kind that turns people into vegetables."

"No!" said Crow. "It's lime pudding made to look like other food." Crow then took a big bite, and grew some twigs from his head. "See, it's fine."

Logan looked nervous. "Uh...Crow?"

"What?"

"Well, it just looks like you need some pruning," Tom said, chuckling.

"Yeah, you got some twigs growing outta ya," Logan said, pointing at the leaf covered twigs growing out of Crow's head.

Crow's eyes rotated upwards, noticing the branches. He then turned to the others and said, "Well I got those on purpose because...The shrub look is in the year."

"Yeah, sure." Logan then turned to Gypsy. "Uh Gypsy, could blow this gunk out through the air lock?"

"Can do," replied Gypsy, who had a rose bush growing out of her head. She saw Logan lower his eyebrows in embarrassment. "Well a girl's got to look good, you know."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Anyone else wanna become a walking salad?"

"What kind of dressing?" jokingly asked Tom, who was now covered in cucumbers.

Logan sighed and dipped his finger into the gunk, causing him to sprout lettuce in his armpits and tomatoes in his hair. He then chuckled. "Just a regular day on the SOL, huh?"

"You could call this an uneventful day," said Tom.

"So your in for a real treat kid," said Crow.

Logan smiled and turned to Cambot. "We'll be right back, folks," he said. "Right now, we're gonna harvest ourselves and uh…make some salsa!"

The Robots cheered behind him at the mention of salsa.


	4. Chapter 4

Thirty more minutes have passed and once again, the crew of the S.O.L were taking a break from the movie. The robots were gathered around with a mirror and a sign that says 'Nilbog' on it. "Nope, don't see it," said Crow.

"Seriously, you don't?" asked Tom.

"Crow!" said Gypsy. "How can you be so blind?

"I don't see it, seriously," Crow answered. "I think you guys are making this up."

Gypsy turned her head away and shouted, "Logan! Could you get in here!"

And soon enough, Logan walked in from off screen, seeing what was going on. "What is it, guys?" he asked.

"Crow doesn't think Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards," Tom said, turning to Logan.

"Because it isn't," Crow said.

Logan slapped the back of Crow's head saying, "Duh, of course it is."

Crow laughed. "Please, next you'll the plural for moose is meese."

"The plural for moose is Meese," interrupted SAMUEL.

"SAM's got you there," Logan said, laughing.

Crow then became upset and said, "Look, I have a sub-par grasp of the English language, so I think I know how words are spelled."

Logan just smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Spell your name then."

Crow then started to look nervous. He eyeballed around and shivered as he tried to spell his name. "Ummm... K... R... Ummm... Could you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, Crow is illiterate."

"I...isn't."

"Don't worry," said Tom. "His grammar takes a turn for the worse when he panics."

Just then, a blinking light appeared before Gypsy. "We're getting a call!" she shouted to the others.

:Oh, I'll get it," Logan said as he pressed a button. And soon enough, appeared on screen.

"Did you know that when you spell Otto backwards it's...Otto?" Otoo asked innocently, just as he then began to laugh manically. "WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"No it's not!" Crow said, stupidly.

"Forget it doc," said SAM. "The robot's impossible."

Just then, Otto's smile disappeared, and his normal 'evil' face reappeared. "What are you all staring at?!" he shouted. "Get back in that theater and watch Troll 2, or do I have to let my weasels out again?"

"No, no!" said Crow. "We're going... Jerk."

Logan pressed the red button, causing the alarms to go off, and shouted, "We got movie sign!"


	5. Chapter 5

Thirty more minutes had passed as Crow, Tom Servo, and Logan exited the theater yet again. "Hey Logan!" said Tom, holding a sandwich on a plate. "I made you sandwich."

"Oh, thanks Tom," said Logan as he took the sandwich.

Just as Logan was about to eat the sandwich, The robots started to dance and sing, "LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!!!"

Logan raised an eyebrow at this weirdness. "What are you doing?"

"Singing an annoying song while you eat," said Crow as he kept on singing and dancing.

"Why?"

"We got the idea from the movie," answered Tom. "What better way is there to enjoy a meal then a repetitive melody with no structure."

Logan frowned and said, "It's making me lose my appetite."

"I told you it wouldn't work," Gypsy said as she entered the room.

"When have movies ever been wrong?" asked Crow, stupidly.

Logan sighed, "How did Joel and Mike ever put up with you guys?"

"I'll tell you one thing," said Tom. "We didn't make it easy."

"Yeah, like that time we sold Joel's kidney," said Crow.

Tom chuckled. "Yeah, and the time we sold Mike' liver."

"Beware," Gypsey warned Logan. "You might wake up in a bathtub full of ice."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the warning, Gypsey, but I don't think I'll have to worry about Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over here." He then turned to face Cambot. "We'll be right back, folks."


	6. Chapter 6

Thirty more minutes later, the movie had finally come to an end. Tom and crow were at the table, eating a pile of green goop that had a fake Logan head sticking out when Gypsy came in.

"Oh No!" gasped Gypsy in horror at the sight of her co-workers eating her new captain. "You're eating Logan…then your going to eat me, too! OH MY GOD!!!"

"What?" Crow asked, looking up from the goop at Gypsy. "No we're not!"

Just then, Logan walked into the room. Gypsy sighed in relief. "Hey guys, what's goin' on?" Logan asked. He then spotted the replica of his head that was on top of the green goop on a plate. "Oh ho!" he said, smiling. "What's this?"

Tom looked up from his eating and said, "This is just a pile of lime gelatin with a head based off yours, made out of butterscotch."

Logan's eyes widened in amazement. "Ooh, looks good." He then put his finger in to the gelatin and tasted it. "Tastes good, too. Who made this?"

"I did," answered Crow, eagerly. "But we didn't have any mix, so I improvised."

"With what?"

"Some of that green stuff that drips out of the reactor, downstairs."

Logan stopped chewing at the mention of this. He paused for a few seconds before he finally said, "Meh…" and kept on eating the gelatin.

Just then, the lights on the communicator began to flash. "Hey, we're getting a call from Dr. Otto," said Tom.

"I'll patch it through," said Logan as he pushed a button and turned on the viewing screen.

Immediately, Dr, Otto's eerie face appeared on screen, with an evil toothy smile. "Greetings fools!" he said in a slimy voice. "Did it work? Did that mindless, plot hole filled dribble of a movie break your soul?"

" Nope," Logan answered.

Otto shifted his eyes around in confusion. "What?"

"Don't get me wrong, Doc, it was bad, really, really bad, but I did get a few chuckles out of some scenes. I mean, a kid making out with a girl and popcorn popping around them, Nilbog backwards for Goblin, and don't forget "Oh my God!!", hilarious!! In fact, I don't know why Joel and Mike left you guys, this is a great gig you got up here!"

Otto sneered at the boy that was practically laughing at him. "Well then, I guess I'll have to pull out all the stops! Things will only get worse from here on out.

" Oh don't worry, I'm ready for ya, and I'm not alone! I got my friends here with me. The Bots, and S.A.M."

"That's right!" S.A.M answered as his holographic movie usher form appeared nextto Logan.

"Yeah!" agreed the three robots.

Logan turned to the robots. "I promise I'll be as good a commanding officer, just as either Joel or Mike ever were." Logan then opened up his arms. "Group hug?"

"Yeah, sure," said Tom. "Come here!"

The three bots and Logan soon joined in for a group hug and smiled as they all said, "Aww…"

S.A.M sighed and said, "I'd join in, but I don't have a body."

Otto then growled in anger at the sweet loving scene he was seeing. "Fine!" he shouted. "Be that way! With your hugging….and…your love…and…Mommy?" Dr. Otto then disappeared from the monitor screen with a whimper.

" So…what now?" asked Logan.

"Well," said Crow. "We do have all this lime Jell-o left."

Suddenly, Tom shouted, "FOOD FIGHT!!!" picked up a glob of Jell-o and hurled it at Logan's face.

Soon, all the bots and Logan were all tossing Jell-o at each other in a humongous food fight.

S.A.M. tried to pick some up, but his hands went right through it. "Damn…" he said to himself.


End file.
